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Would it tell him how his daughter screamed? Norvak was missing a leg. The doc walked with a pronounced limp and the aid of a cane. He had a kind face with sharp and inquisitive eyes.

Here is a man who regularly gets his eight hours sleep, Thom thought. His clothes were pressed and clean unlike the rumpled outfit Thom wore.

Thom, Thom the wrinkle bomb. Trouble at work? Norvak asked. He looked at Thom at what Thom supposed was supposed to be concern.

The stare was a little too direct, too intimate. Friendship should be earned slowly, like trust. Hard won, easily lost. Thom gave a vague nod keeping a distance from the doctor.

Thom drifted near the window to stand in the golden patch of sun painting the floor. Since this thing appeared in his life Thom had seen all manner of horrors.

Things lived in the shadows no one should see. Most people went about their lives oblivious of the hungry faces leering from dark places. He heard homeless ranting about evils in the dark.

Hard to avoid them in the city. He used to think them crazy. Ravings easily dismissed, crazy talk, not reality. Now he knew differently.

The thing under his bed confirmed it. The software professional, upwardly mobile successful man was gone. Haunted eyes stared back at him from a face he barely recognized.

Stubbled cheekbones jutted out. He resembled one of those insane ravers. Norvak could only offer platitudes, dig into his childhood, or worse prescribe a sleep aid.

Thom had moved beyond help. Norvak stared at him expectantly. He must have asked a question Thom completely missed. Sorry, I was….

Focus never used to be a problem. One more thing he had lost control of. He hated it. Now he kept up with shadows and paths of shadows.

Never mind, where did you go? An old priest and a young priest? All I need to do is tell you about the monster under my bed.

My work is suffering? Who gives a fuck about work? It wants to eat me or my daughter. Perhaps both, like a two for one.

Get a clue. Condescending jerk, Thom thought. He sat behind his desk, fingertips meeting in a little teepee over a yellow legal pad, smiling over his glasses at Thom.

Thom was too far away to read what was written although he had no doubt the words hospital and paranoid were somewhere close to his name.

I get back to my life. Out of high school you went to college where you got by, not great, not bad. From there, you landed a job where you do enough to not get fired.

A bunch of carny bullshit meant to fool rubes. If this was his best bit Thom was wasting his time. The sex is boring, repetitive.

Life has shown you all it has to offer leaving you feeling stale. So, you went out and made a mistake. Still, millions of married people felt the same.

Thom felt like a bug under a microscope. All secrets laid bare. Your sin was betrayal, I think. The lack of sleep is affecting every other aspect of your life.

How am I doing? But not quite. Norvak raised his eyebrows slightly. A low growl echoed from behind a bookshelf. Norvak appeared not to notice.

Up until this…this…insomnia started I hated my life. They make changes to improve their lives. Empathy binds us together as a society.

It makes us human. Please, continue. There was always the next level to aspire to. A goal to work toward, you know?

He had opened the flood gates. The story would be told. All that remained was…routine. Nothing changed. I wondered, is this it?

Is this my life? Every day was the same. One day we had a retirement party for one of the senior partners. The guy already looked dead to me.

In a way I knew he WAS me, thirty or forty years down the road. Go home. Try not to die. I turned to leave and ran into her.

Still in college. Starry eyed a senior project manager bumped into her. I took advantage. She asked if she could take me to dinner.

Pick my brain. Her youthful optimism, things she wanted, places she wanted to go, her passion was infectious. Libby, my wife, droned on about neighbors or the baby.

I felt like I was suffocating. She looked amazing. The club pulsed with heat, noise, desperation. Conversation was impossible.

Nothing more? Rubbing my hands up and down her body. Libby never moved like that. Even when we were young, she never moved like her. I should have felt awkward.

She never understood much about what I do. I went directly to the shower and then to bed. Dependable for years.

Staying out all night was an anomaly, a one-time deal, nothing to be concerned about. Norvak stood up. Moving toward the beaded chain which would close the blinds.

Each lie you tell, I turn the rod blocking out a little more sunlight. Norvak locked the door sometime during his story. This is a place for honesty.

In the dark. The doctor looked at him flatly, all kindness and consideration gone. What you do determines what It is going to do.

Yes, quite like a bear. What is It? How do you know about It? Norvak tapped his missing leg. Your guilt called It. Norvak twisted the clear plastic rod and the blinds rotated.

The shadows thickened into bars. How much do I need to suffer? You chose. Now own your choice, take responsibility.

The bars thickened. Sunlight swapped places with shadow becoming thin beams cutting the darkened square. It taking her where you will never see her again is a certainty.

It will suck your pain and guilt forever. That WILL happen. Somehow this doctor knew. If the rod twisted anymore the blinds would cut off the sunlight completely.

Thom knew when it happened his guilt was inescapable. Everything comes home eventually. A date rape drug. I asked her out. I asked her to the club.

My heart was pounding as I slipped it into her drink. I took her on the dancefloor to speed it through her system. I guess I used too much, she started to go limp.

I drug her to the bathroom. Norvak said nothing. The claw had been joined by another, tearing new strips in the wall. Norvak corrected.

R-Raping her. She stopped breathing. I got scared and left her on the toilet. Later I heard she died. Norvak to understand, to open the blinds.

Kill her? Violate her? Go to the police. One day, Thom. Your hour is up. That will be on you. Get out of my office. Norvak twisted the rod. Sunlight flooded back in chasing away the shadow.

Confessing to Libby went the way he imagined. He was sure the police were looking for him. There had been several knocks on the door.

Now they were out there pounding. The frame shook beneath the force. Pictures of his family rattled, falling off the walls shattering.

Broken glass tinkled along the hallway. His cell phone indicated seventeen missed calls. No shadows in here. As he lay staring at his bedroom door, the closet swung open on silent hinges.

A low growl emanated from the darkness within. Look, I'm not saying it doesn't say a lot about society, it absolutely does, I'm just saying I don't think this is the kinda thing that will ever change.

Obviously it's inappropriate to be so blunt and obvious about sexual desires, but the fact of the matter is when guys see attractive women their first thought a lot of the time is "I wanna fuck that".

It's not appropriate to say, but it's just reality. I don't believe society even has a chance at changing our biology so drastically that men are going to stop wanting to have sex with attractive women.

People feel anonymous on the internet, so they say their inappropriate unfiltered thoughts a lot of time, wanting to have sex with attractive women is a pretty universal straight male desire, men think about sex way more than women do on average, therefore this double standard will never ever stop.

I don't see how society can "evolve" past this either. It's pretty baked into our DNA. The only way for this to ever stop on the internet at least is for people to become more respectful and filtered, which wouldn't even really be it really "stopping", it would just be hidden from view like it is in real life society and in-person interactions.

States and D. These are my notes. This is a work in progress. I first discovered the key components of this nationwide deception in Utah and these notes reflect that.

As I continued, more victims came forward and have contributed immeasurably to these discoveries. These victims are aware of these notes and will come forward when the time is right.

For now, I can be reached by email at [ The poor boy Joseph Smith, his parents and his brothers and sisters were actually victims of the wealthy, established Harris family in Palmyra, NY.

Joseph wasn't Martin's first choice from the many sons in the Smith family to be the voice of Mormonism but became so due to his youth, naivety and desire to protect his family from additional harm by Harris.

My apologies to the talented BOM Musical crew. You had a well deserved, good run but this is the way it really is. It's also no surprise that a deception of this magnitude would go on to eventually harbor a self-righteous State that is secretly hiding the worst rates in the USA for child sexual abuse, child physical abuse, teen suicide, adult suicide, prescription drug abuse, financial fraud, bankruptcy, state government deception and debilitating legal deception.

While I've known of the deception of the Harris' "Mormonism" for years, I had resigned myself to letting critical parts of it go for a time for reasons of my own.

However, it was encounters with victims of Utah's rigged legal workings that contributed to me looking into how and why so many unbelievable things continued to happen under the blind eyes of "Justice" and the "all seeing eyes Mormonism's "God", it's "Jesus Christ", it's "Holy Ghost" and their claim of being THE "only true church of the biblical Jesus Christ on the earth today".

As I began watching and learning Utah's legal workings like I did hidden Mormon and US history, I eventually discovered almost by accident that for the past several decades, "Utah State Bar" has actually been a private corporation with a deceptive name secretly allowed to pose as a "State" office in providing the illusion of State supervision for Utah's 6, attorneys most of whom are also Mormon.

If pressed, "The Utah State Bar" will claim it is a "non-profit" but it's staff aren't volunteers as the public has been led to believe the words "non-profit" might mean.

I soon saw how under this multi-layered deception, Utah's unsupervised attorneys are using at least 9 insidious ways in the secret grooming of their simple "clients" from all walks of life.

This happens day-after-day, week-after-week, month-after-month for years and years so they can demand tens of thousands of dollars or way more from each client.

They self-righteously collect "clients" like they are forgotten ventriloquist puppets packed on an endless shelf and only remembered when it's time to pull some of the 9 strings and create another astronomical, irreconcilable monthly bill for the client.

Even though the Utah Supreme Court, the Utah Governor's Office, the Utah Attorney General's offices and all the leaders of Mormonism and more have been made aware of the 9 ways Utah's 6, attorneys target Utah's population of 3.

This is especially critical because a current leader of Mormonism named Dallin H. Oaks was on the Utah Supreme Court in the 80's.

It goes without saying that all the critical roles of Utah's political, legal, educational, municipal and media offices are also held by victims of Mormonism selective lies.

Their motivations, good and bad, for doing what they do good and bad are as vast as the countless white granite or red sandstone canyons of Utah.

The insidious legal deception secretly began in Utah decades ago when lawmakers who were also attorneys , deceptively created a private corporation to pose as a "State" organization in creating the illusion of supervision for their professional selves and their many self-righteous contemporaries.

To minimize public inquisitions into it's workings, they secretly allowed "Utah State Bar" to be funded by the themselves and the same attorneys it provides the illusion of supervision for.

This deception is the epitome of the phrase: "the inmates are running the asylum". This contributes to why piles of time consuming complaints about Utah's unsupervised attorneys are received by Utah State Bar then intentionally smoke screened by Utah State Bar staffers for months before being intentionally dead ended again months later with the only course of action for the complainant being to hire another unsupervised attorney to sue the original one to enforce Utah State Bar's "code of ethics" or other illusions of oath or law on the original terrorizing, unsupervised attorney.

A process that will also be falsely extended to take years and cost tens of thousands of dollars.

This unconscionable organizational illusion also means that for the millions of victims of unsupervised attorneys, there is no official "State" "" for the victims to call and the offending attorneys know this.

Imagine being kidnapped, robbed, tortured and beaten and left for dead for years. Your children grow up without you. If you survive and you finally, somehow get a hold of a phone and dial "" your abuser is the one who answers.

This is what is happening. The unsupervised attorneys target innocent people from all walks of life. Innocent people involved in divorce, custody, collection and eviction matters are their prime grooming ground.

Because of this deception, many of these matters start as one small thing that could be managed in a simple mediation or settled within a few months but instead the attorneys groom their unsuspecting or misinformed "clients" so things go on for years.

Because the Judges were once unsupervised attorneys too and had the same thing done for them, they play along.

In Utah, even the Utah Supreme Court plays along. After 3 years of watching, listening, taking notes and hearing from victims I can prove all this in no uncertain way.

Because the offices of the Utah Supreme Court Justices, the Utah Governor, the Utah Attorney General, the members of the Utah Judicial Conduct Commission, the staff of the Administrative Office of the Court, the "Utah State Bar", judges and more are involved, a special Senate investigation committee should be formed by the President of the United States to create a model of identifying this deception in the other states and remedying it and the many elected and appointed individuals who have allowed it and secretly benefited from it for so many decades.

In Utah, you don't have to look far to find tragedy at the hands of an unsupervised attorney. There are thousands upon thousands of divorce, custody, eviction and collection matters filed each year.

All of them prime grooming ground for Utah's unsupervised attorneys pocketing millions. In Utah, you also don't have to look far to find some of these traumatized victims from all walks of life who have committed suicide or murder suicide to avoid the further grooming and "loss-of-reality" they were unknowingly experiencing at the hands of their insidious, unsupervised, greed possessed, self-righteous attorneys and the broken courts that enable them.

Unconscionably, if an attorney's client commits suicide, they attorney can secretly add tens of thousands of dollars more to the dead victims bill without anyone knowing.

In some of the most insidious cases I've seen, it seems some unsupervised attorney are intentionally grooming and undermining their own clients with the hopes the client does commit suicide so the attorney can collect on this additional fortune.

In the pursuit of "self rescue" for yourself or to help you save the livelihood or life of a loved one, these are the 9 ways thousands of unsupervised attorneys are targeting millions of people in Utah, 32 other States and Washington D.

This opens the door for attorneys to secretly groom clients and their credit card holding or deep pocketed families to get them to do what they want for years and years.

This results in simple matters turning into expensive, multi-year long nightmares so the attorneys can pocket a fortune.

As the grooming goes on for months and years, the attorneys are allowed to falsely inflate a clients bill by hundreds or thousands of dollars every month with no accountability whatsoever.

This tactic includes " gaslighting ", purposely misinforming clients, misdirecting clients, withholding critical information, telling clients to avoid mediation, stringing clients along with false promises of a "trial" or that "big day in court" and other controlling language.

Utah attorneys are allowed to collude and share in made-up, back-and-forth filings with each other. Many times the filings involve colluding mediators, custody evaluators, paralegals, judges and the courthouse.

This allows them to falsely extend each filing indefinitely. This is why attorneys collude to falsely extends their clients divorce matter to take years and boxes and boxes of trivial motions, yet an attorney handling their own divorce can get it done in a few weeks and with just a few sheets of paper.

Utah attorneys are allowed to especially target homeowners and secretly collect on hundreds of thousands of dollars of falsely inflated legal fees by forcing victims to sell their homes and pay the falsely inflated fees.

Utah attorneys are allowed to collect thousands of dollars upfront disguised as "retainer fees" from one victim after another then purposely leave each victim high and dry.

When a victim questions an attorney's stalling tactics or lack of communication for weeks on end the attorney can then keep the cash and "withdraw" leaving the victim penniless and without an attorney.

Utah attorneys are allowed to indirectly contribute to rape and violent crimes against women by purposely misinforming female victims about the cost of protective orders.

If the female can't pay then she might go without one. In most states, protective orders can be done for free online in less than an hour but in many jurisdictions the courthouses purposely withhold this information from the public so the attorneys can run their racket.

Utah attorneys are allowed to pose as collection agents. This allows them to secretly manufacture one filing after another with the courthouses.

By doing this they can usually collect thousands of dollars from anyone they can purposely overwhelm with paperwork and peculiar courthouse protocols.

Utah attorneys are allowed to abuse narcotics, prescription drugs, steroids and other behavior altering substances.

Utah attorneys are allowed to exploit loopholes perpetuated by the "Administrative Office of The Court". This office purposely schedules many hearings at the same time so that attorneys can show up and wait hour after hour while billing multiple clients hundreds of dollars an hour.

This happens while other usable courtrooms purposely sit vacant day-after-day. This office also allows loopholes that let attorneys secretly manipulate cases involving "pro se" parties in unconscionable ways.

This brings even greater tragedy, suffering and violence to everyone in every community. If a the most insidious Utah attorneys can purposely cause enough confusion and suffering for the client that the client commits suicide, the attorneys can collect on the false fortune and even add tens of thousands of dollars more to it and there is no one to stop them.

In Utah, this contributes to why Utah has the worst rate's of suicide in the Nation. It's likely that around the Nation there are thousands of children and family members who have no idea what really happened to their parent and loved one and the inheritance the attorneys took from them too.

The insidious actions of a growing list of unsupervised attorneys, at least one colluding judge, politicians and others contributed to these 9 tactics being discovered and compiled over the past several years.

Allowing "Utah State Bar" to pose as a State office for so many decades has created a limitless problem for past and present personnel occupying critical offices throughout the State of Utah.

Contributing to this is that for the past several decades other, legitimate State offices have issued licenses for legitimate State licensees but those other offices have also actively supervised those State licensees.

This list of other State licensees that are supervised by legitimate State offices includes real estate agent, mortgage agent and insurance agents.

However, this type of State licensing AND State supervision has secretly not been the case for Utah's attorneys, only the illusion of supervision has.

By licensing everyone and openly engaging in supervision but secretly providing only the illusion of supervision for Utah attorneys the State of Utah has simultaneously created and broken a critical fiduciary duty to it's past and present population.

Because of this self-created double standard, the State of Utah is on the hook to it's past and present population for several decades of immeasurable tragedy, loss and financial devastation committed by Utah's unsupervised attorneys.

This contributes to why personnel within critical office of the State of Utah will continue passing the buck and will secretly stop at nothing to continue keeping all this hidden.

This and more details that follow is why the Federal Government should immediately implement the Insurrection Act of and send many people from the past and present Utah Governors Office down to prison for the rest of their lives.

Right now 72 year old college dropout Gary Herbert , is the puppet governor of Utah and 45 year old former unsupervised Utah attorney Spencer Cox is the puppet Lieutenant Governor of Utah and Governor elect.

Their involvement in these roles has spanned almost 12 years. Like other Utah leaders puppetized by Mormon Inc.

The longer they continue to do this, the more that shows about what they are trying to hide and the involvement of the their offices and other critical State of Utah offices over the years.

That involvement also includes the offices of the Mormon controlled Utah Attorney General Currently Sean Reyes , the Utah Supreme Court, the Utah Judiciary, the Utah Judicial Conduct Commission, Utah judges, the deceptive private corporation named "Utah State Bar" and all it's unsupervised attorney's, mediators and custody evaluator members as well as many layers of deceit within another corrupt courthouse office known as the "Utah Administrative Office of the Court".

This courthouse office is the secretive group that coordinates how Utah's rigged courthouses operate from corrupt-day-to-corrupt-day.

This office creates and maintains secret loopholes for unsupervised licensees and Utah's corrupt judges to use. This includes purposely forcing extra courtrooms to sit vacant day after day so unsupervised licensees can all show up in the same courtroom at the same time and bill their victims hundreds of dollars an hour for what they claim is "wait" time.

Because Utah's corrupt judges were once unsupervised licensees too, they purposely let the licensees they favor the most wait the longest so those licensees can bill the most.

This allows unsupervised licensees to double bill, triple bill and more. Sometimes this adds up to thousands of dollars an hour while the inexperienced victims have no idea what is really happening.

Utah's corrupt Judges favor hundreds of certain licensees more than other licensees for a wide range of reasons. This may be because they went to one of Utah's two culturally controlled law schools or because they have lots of friends and financial interests at the same culturally controlled, Utah based law firms.

What this all really means is that each year Utah's judges secretly control what licensees and firms get to collect untold millions in secretly manufactured courthouse cash.

Not even "Pro Se" filings are safe. While in some state's "Pro Se" means one thing, in Utah for the past several decades "Pro Se" means that a vulnerable person has been unknowingly groomed by the Administrative Office of the Court's secretive and dark hands into naively believing that they will be heard and treated fairly if they attempt to represent themselves in a non-foolish way.

In reality, "Pro-Se" just gives the corruption more layers to hide behind. All this reveals that above all else, it seems to have become the goal of every unsupervised licensee in Utah to instigate as many random filings for as long as possible and to collude with other unsupervised attorneys in using cheap, willing paralegals to secretly collect one fortune after another from their endless, ongoing list of victims regardless of the tragedies that follow.

Tragically, even the safety and well being of Utah's children is ignored by the unsupervised licensees in this pursuit. This often leads to worse tragedy and of course more random filings for them to collect a fortune from.

If you know an unsupervised legal licensee in Utah who claims to be "honest with their fellow men" then this is a great opportunity for you to invite that person to lead the way at demanding comprehensive legal reform in Utah and eliminating these untold tragedies and the far reaching, unpredictable effects from them.

If they refuse to take part in this then maybe it's because they are one of the many unsupervised licensees who will be going to prison or losing their imposter state legal licenses for the rest of their lives when the investigations finally start?

If you live in Utah, now YOU know why so many culturally critical groups continue to look away year after year as hundreds of millions of dollars in falsely inflated legal fees are secretly collected and celebrated by the dark hands of Utah's unsupervised legal community and tragedy after tragedy continues to pile up.

One of the most controversial and culturally critical offices in Utah with secret and deep connections to the legal community and that also continues to fail Utah's population by purposely looking the other way is the ongoing group of men who's families have secretly all been related by blood or marriage and who, for most of Mormonism's year history have secretly been appointed to lifetime roles in one of Mormonism's 15 key leadership positions.

This secretive group includes Mormonism's three member " First Presidency " and it's twelve member " Quorum of the Twelve ".

Over the past several decades, prior to being appointed, more than one of these men were unsupervised Utah legal licensees.

In the 80's when all this was going on, one of men who is currently a member of the "Three", was a member of the corrupt Utah Supreme Court yet he did nothing about it.

Adding to the dark secrets of this secretive, controlling, extended family of Utah men and it's connections to the legal community is that a male member of this secretive, extended family is also Utah's most senior judge.

This is the rogue Judge Robert Faust who is the son of the culturally famous Mormon leader , military veteran, unsupervised Utah legal licensee and namesake of the Mormon controlled University of Utah law library, the late James E.

Judge Robert Faust is notoriously known among vulnerable segments of the population for colluding with Utah's attorneys, prolonging filings for months by making up imaginary procedures during hearings, stomping on the rights given to victims by the US constitution , ignoring basic math in critical calculations, encouraging unsupervised licensees to increase their rates to hundreds of dollars an hour for their time during hearings and giggling with unsupervised licensees during critical hearings involving children.

Because in Utah, Judges are nominated by the Mormon governor and because Judge Robert Faust is the son of a famous Mormon leader, the people who perpetuate the collective imagination of Mormonism in Utah including the Mormon controlled "Utah Supreme Court", and the "Utah Judicial Conduct Commission" will stop at nothing to keep up appearances for Mormonism by whitewashing report after report of Judge Robert Faust's abuses of the bench no matter how devastating they continue to be to the families, critically vulnerable people and children of Utah.

Some reports about Judge Robert Faust are found here. Only time will tell. In addition to all this collusion and corruption in Utah, the Utah Judicial Conduct Commission even has fake images on it's website, the Commission doesn't have an email address, only one man shows up to it's real location a couple times a week, he's also the same man who returns voicemails or responds to complaints.

Because they don't offer an email address to submit complaints to, complaints must be mailed or delivered in person even the office is seldom occupied by that one man.

In some cases, concerned employees of other departments in the outdated non-courthouse building have volunteered to slide a persons complaint under the door.

Adding to these peculiarities and double standards within Mormonism and in Mormon controlled Utah is that even though Mormonism claims to be " the only true religion on earth ", claims that all other religions are "false" and that Mormonism's 15 leaders have always been chosen by "Jesus Christ", Mormonism continues to have lie after lie revealed about it yet all of the roles of Utah's critical legal, political, municipal and educational offices as well as it's public and private media offices continue to be operated by puppetised victims of Mormonism's lies.

As thousands upon thousands of tragedies continue to pile up year after year after year, this means the collective imagination of Mormonism will continue to look the other way indefinitely.

This also includes local Mormon controlled offices of the FBI , the Federal Trade Commission , the US attorney's office and others who have all been made aware in detail of the many layers of collusion contributing to this corruption.

If you are a victim of Mormonism's lies note that the landscape of information in references above is constantly changing.

Sometimes propaganda pops in some of these places or others like them where you may not have expected it. Be wary of the deceptive subbreddit at this link, not everything is as it seems.

Because Federal Laws are not being honored by the corrupt, puppetized, Mormon controlled, figurehead government of the State of Utah, the President of the United States is called upon to immediately invoke The Insurrection Act of Martial Law in Utah and implement processes for a new, non-theocratic, State government to be formed no matter how long it takes.

Because of all of this and how it is unique to Utah in many hidden ways, there also absolutely needs to be special investigations by the United States Senate into the imposter, private corporation deceptively named "Utah State Bar" and other Utah State offices and organizations just like there have been special investigations into other corrupt corporations and organizations.

The State of Utah needs to be on the hook for creating and breaking a fiduciary duty to it's population that has contributed to untold tragedy, irreplaceable lost time with loved ones and endless financial devastation for hundreds of thousands of victims and their families over many decades.

Many people from the Governor's office down to the bench need to be sent to prison for the rest of their lives.

Thousands of State legal licenses should be revoked. For their long time ignorance and collusion in perpetuating these deceptive illusions, the operations of University of Utah's S.

Rueben Clark Law School should be suspended for at least 5 years. As solutions are implemented, there needs to be supervision of licensed attorneys in Utah by an official "State Division" with a ".

Gov" web address just like there is supervision of legitimate State licensees 1 2. During the very first meeting between a Utah attorney and a potential client, there needs to be pages and pages of upfront disclosure like there is with other State licensees.

If a Utah attorney "withdraws" from working with a client after pocketing thousands of dollars in cash disguised as a retainer fee then the attorney needs to be required to pay an equal deposit to the State and submit a "to-be-reviewed" report outlining why the attorney accepted the thousands of dollars in cash then withdrew.

Judges, commissioners and attorneys need to receive regular training so they are aware of the critical realities affecting individuals and families in Utah and how to provide manageable solutions for them instead of letting Utah's most corrupt, unsupervised attorneys exploit them.

Among Utah's population, there are countless daily reminders of the targeting and victimization that thousands of victims from all of Utah's communities and cultures suffer from each year.

Following are some open media links to recent reports and video footage of just some of the most tragic consequences of this corruption that include various forms of suicides or murdesuicides in Utah some involve children.

So much could and should have been done before any of these irreversible incidents occurred but for dark reasons it is more important to Utah's puppetized offices to look the other way so Utah's unsupervised attorneys can pocket hundreds of millions of dollars off thousands of victims each year.

This is just a short list of the countless tragedies that happen every year. All involve recent victims of the dark, collective imagination behind Utah's most critical, Mormon controlled offices.

Although Utah is the only Mormon controlled State that is also secretly the worst State in the Nation for so many other satanic statistics, there are 32 other imposter, "state bar associations" that are also secretly allowed to be "Government Granted Monopolies" inside the USA's 50 states.

Will exposing these unsupervised angels of death disguised as attorneys in Utah reveal the mark of another cult on a majority of the USA's rigged legal system?

The Washington Monument in Washington D. George Washington was also a slave owner Either way, remember that in US History there have always been factions within factions and imposters within imposter organizations.

Fear not. Be seen. Be heard. Remember that even with these evils that have been allowed to secretly unfold by tens of thousands within our citizen ranks and the potential ramifications of it among many States, every morning the Sun rises on "One Nation Under God", THE United States of America.

Because it is still "One Nation", starting with it's 45th State in the Nation, Utah, US history absolutely demands an immediate and deeper look by the Federal Government into the American Bar Association's methods of targeting, exploitation, slavery, suffering, destruction, violence and insidious evil exercised upon all of Utah's population and hundreds of millions of other Americans by the secretive, dark and deceptive hands of the law schools, law offices and political offices that perpetuate it.

Know that the people of Utah and victims of Mormonism's lies around the USA are a strong, creative, selfless crew who have suffered Mormonism's lies long enough and will lead the way at contributing to a greater understanding of Christianity and a model of legal reform in Utah that will save the Nation and lead to legal reform among the 32 other decrepit "Bar Associations".

America, it is time to Save Utah, Save the Nation. If you're a resident of Utah, a way to send a peaceful message is to write my name in for Utah governor during this year's election.

A simple "MJ" ought to do the trick. Maybe I'll get elected and I will get all this and more fixed because each day this is allowed to go on is another day of tragedies piling up.

Whether Utah's commissive and ommissive State leaders, judges and unsupervised licensees are drug abusers, are mentally deranged or are literal "Hounds-Of-Hell" now it is no longer a secret that, like insidious slave owners of the past, they are allowed to gather together today to secretly gorge themselves on the after birth of the thousands of tragedies they manifest day-after-day like lunatic stray dogs pining at the hot dirt to slurp up each others vomit.

We can't allow one more day of it. During this unprecedented time and as unpredictable events continue to unfold, please remember that Utah's brave law enforcement force of thousands of men and women as well as it's dedicated military members, their families and their children are not immune to these tragedies or statistics either.

Remember who the real enemy is here. Remember it's easier to hate all day then it is to take action for a minute. Remember to hug a cop instead of hurting one.

There are many ways to be heard without hurting. Get creative. Truth burns brightest in the dark. Be smart, be seen, be heard, stay alive. The lines are open 24 hours a day, every day.

Additional resources about Mormonism's lies: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 submitted by BringATwenty to MoMoNoMo [link] [comments].

Source Previous table Questions Answers How did you type all this? I can touch type. It's an essential skill.

Hats off to you. Sure, I use a screenreader. It's a piece of software that uses synthesised speech to read back what's on the screen.

And I navigate using the keyboard rather than a mouse. Thank you for doing this AMA! Its really fascinating and I'm learning a lot! I noticed in some of your comments you said you enjoy cooking.

In my own experience, cooking and baking are extremely visual activities for example, like knowing when a pancake is ready to be flipped, or properly cleaning and preparing a chicken, or when ground beef has been cooked completely.

I would imagine that you use taste, touch, and smell, to guide you through some aspects of cooking. But even then, the information you could possibly get is still limited.

What do you specifically look for as indicators to help you cook? I'm also interested in what dishes you find the easiest to make and what dishes you find the most difficult.

All of that information you can get non-visually. You can tell ground bief is cooked by the texture when you touch it with a spoon.

Other things by the smell. It's not more limited, it's just an alternative method. I love experimenting with different things, I went through a phase of baking lots of bread.

At the moment I'm into building complex salads and working on really healthy recipes. I cooked a meal for 60 people, that was pretty intense!

A very synthesised American voice. Does colour mean anything to you? Not really, it's an abstract concept. Do you watch or should I say listen to porn?

Nah, it just doesn't do anything for me. What do you do to pass time? Read, watch films and tv, mindlessly browse the internet. There are also audio games, and it's possible to play some regular games if you're blind, but I'm not really a gamer.

How has voice technology like Siri or Google Assistant changed the way you interact with things if you use it at all? If you have it: how has it made life better or worse?

If you don't have it: why not? It's convenient because I can set a timer when cooking hands free! But also, something like an echo dot is designed to be used without vision, so I'm not actually having to deal with an accessibility barrier.

I get exactly the same functionality from it that a sighted person does, and that is an important consideration. Not so much now.

At first my concern was in relation to grocery delivery services. I didn't want to go to the supermarket because many places were refusing to provide assistance, but also everyone was using delivery services, so slots weren't easily accessible for those of us who really needed them.

It's calmed down quite a bit now though. Another issue relates to accessible information. A lot of the stats are shown as images, with no explanation.

Which means we're shut out from accessing what could be very crucial info. Do you experience any visuals in your mind?

For example, like when you dream? I don't. I've never been able to see so this is impossible for me. Based on your life so far and what you have learned from others what is your favorite color?

I don't have one. I usually say purple just because people demand an answer and it's easier to give them one. Do you like puppies? What is it like to move around.

Is it hard and do you feel out a room as you walk through it? It's not hard because I've always been blind so know how to navigate as a blind person.

When outside I travel using a white cane, this is also true if I'm inside buildings like shops etc. But if I'm at my house or friends houses I just walk around and learn where things are.

How can sighted people be better allies to blind people? Because what they're saying is that actually, they don't expect blind people to be doing very well at all, so the fact that I'm a moderately functional adult who doesn't get enough sleep, drinks too much coffee and is constantly stressed is a very very good thing.

When I'm actually very typical for someone in their mid 20's. Just treat blind people like people, and support us with fighting for accessibility and equal rights.

That really is the best way to be an ally. I'm not sure honestly. I've always been blind, so it's normal to me. I do know people who lost their vision who have really happy, secure lives.

Is sex more intense for you? And do you have sex with other blind people, if not how does it feel when you cant see the other person but he can see you naked?

It honestly depends who I'm having sex with. I don't really worry if they can see me and I can't. I've had good and bad experiences, with both blind nad sighted people.

Do you listen to old radio plays? I had a period of time prior to a cataract surgery where my photosensitivity was so intense I mostly lived in total darkness, and these were my favourite forms of free entertainment.

I am old enough that I listened to them on radio, although most were rebroadcasts. Also, do you usually wear any kind of sunglasses or such?

If so, for your own benefit, or to make people feel more comfortable? I listened to a lot of plays in the early s when I was a kid because only a fraction of books were published in braille.

Audio books were expensive and also only a few books became audio. These days I listen to less of them because with things like Kindle I can read almost anything, but they were a wonderful and necessary part of my childhood that I am very thankful I was able to experience.

I have light perception so I wear sunglasses when it's really bright, but not for the comfort of others. I think if my eyes make people uncomfortable it's something they should address within themselves.

Is the halo effect a noticeable phenomenon for you as an arguably perfectly objective observer of sighted people? Have you ever been in a situation and just known that someone is physically attractive based on being inexplicably treated more favourably by others than could be reasonably expected?

How do you feel about this in general? I think so. I definitely noticed this in school. My perception is that people gravitate towards someone who is deemed to be physically attractive, but I don't know if that is true.

Have you ever fired a firearm or played with a sword? I haven't. I considered going to a shooting range when I lived in the US but never did.

When browsing the web -- do ads really screw with your screen reader? Do you use an adblocker? They do, and yes I do. If you could tell the world one thing what would it be?

About blindness? Treat me like any other adult. Not about blindness. Use your vote. What's your favorite place to get a burrito? I live in England where burritos are sadly lacking, but now I really want one.

Would you consider trying psychedelics and reporting back your experiences? I've tried them before. Really weird, honestly.

Mostly auditory but also some physical sensations. Do you understand racism? Also what's your favorite song? By understand, I think it's wrong, but I understand it as a concept.

RAcism isn't really about being able to see colour, it's associating a race with a positive or negative set of attributes. Blind people are just as capable of being racist.

In terms of songs I don't really have a favourite, I've been listening to I and love and you by the Avett Brothers a lot recently. I was always wondering about this one.

There are days when I "overlisten" to music or sounds get pounded and louder until I can't stand it and I need to shut it out. I would go several days without music or wear noise cancelling headphones to get myself disconnected.

It sometimes happens with my vision, where it's just too much information and my brain needs a break. So I'm wondering what's it like in your case, if you've ever experienced something like that?

Where there's too much sensory information and you need to shut it out but you need it to get around? And another extremely random one.

I work and architecture and was trying to figure out how someone would go about designing a house while blind.

Besides textures, how would you try and build a house for yourself if you could? That sounds like sensory processing disorder, which I have experienced aspects of yes.

I'm not sure, definitely lots of outside space and a big kitchen, but those are because of my love of being outside and also of cooking, more than blindness!

So this might sound weird, but my friends have a year old daughter who is blind. What kind of playing made you happiest as a kid?

Climbing, playing football, running about. Just normal kid stuff. To us, travel is a very visual experience, what is it to you? How do you experience the travel experience itself?

Travelling to me is experiencing all aspects of the culture. It doesn't have to be visual. You can meet people, go to a city, go to a park, go hiking.

These are all part of it. We see your inability to see as an impairment or disability out of our ignorance, what do you think seeing people lack?

What is our disability? I think we have to be careful and not view something like a lack of understanding as a disability.

I am blind, and blindness is my impairment. But I'm disabled because the world around me isn't accessible. In terms of the countries they all had positives and negatives.

Colombia was definitely a new experience, but it was also my favourite place to live. What is imagination for you?

That's difficult to answer. If you mean how do I imagine, through my other senses. But as to what it is, I'm not sure. It seems to be an essential part of who we are as humans.

What do you see in today's society that you dislike? I'm not sure this is just a problem with today's society, but ignorance and denial regarding the reality of the world we live in.

My sons age 10 are really good friends with a boy who has been blind since birth. My sons have gone to his house a few times and have had a lot of fun.

I would like for him to come here, but it makes me nervous. I worry that he'll get bored or be uncomfortable. As a child, what were some of your favorite experiences with sighted friends and their family?

Being welcomed in to everyday activities. My best experiences were with people who didn't worry, who let me run around and play, who let me climb and mess about with my friends.

But who also set boundaries, who told me to be quiet or to stop running, like they would any other child. Basically the best thing you can do is welcome him and treat him like any other kid.

They all were able to retain vision though 2 had to have an eye enucleated. Later in those same 2 passed away from associated secondary cancers in the 20s and 30s bc they received radiation to stop the tumours inherited is bilateral.

I am pregnant with a baby girl who inherited the genetic mutation and at 36 weeks will deliver so they can monitor and treat the tumours.

In some way it weirdly comforted me but Why do I still feel this way? Why are my trust issues on the rise after he finally changes and wants to be a couple?

First off, I'd like to say that I messed up. I found out my boyfriends password and snooped through everything on his phone.

Other than finding out hes still talking to his first love no flirting so it's okay even though he told me they no longer talk I found his list of porn websites including ones like Chaturbate and live jasmine.

I don't know if he interacts with them or pays but my heart has sank and I just wish I never found this out.

He also had never deleted Tinder although it seems he hasn't used it since we've been together. I've been staying with him but have now been acting very distant and want to leave.

Our relationship before this was pretty amazing but I fear I wont be able to get over this Do I tell him I snooped, try to let it go or just leave and give myself time to think within the next couple days??

Advice please!! Hey everyone, I know someone else used to do this for awhile. Obviously this is my perspective only, not all guys.

Locker Room Talk: I think the girls got this right. I have never really gotten into in-depth detail about my sex life with my guy friends.

I know girls go into detail with each other about dick size and what not. I think a reason for this is that dick size is usually hidden until you have sex with a guy.

Agreed that only young bitch boys try to over brag about their sex life. It would be insensitive after something like a mass shooting, but this is different.

Stuff like that is fun to hear once, and then move on. No one is listening to it over and over or anything like that.

I get notifications about people going live on IG including Alex and I generally just ignore it. I agreed that celebrities singing Imagine was dumb and pointless.

All celebs posting about being quarantined in their big ass house can go fuck themselves. I also agreed with them that JoJo was definitely part of my sexual awakening, and Gal Gadot is also gorgeous.

Specially when there are plenty of free subreddits for whatever you want. The girls hit the nail on the head. The idea that you can be in contact with those girls is the key.

Video Game Guy: No idea what is wrong with that guy. I was in the middle of a COD Warzone round last week, and straight ditched my team for sex.

Good on her for still sending nudes even when they live together. Feel like that is something that fades once a couple moves in together.

Cheater Girl: Rip off the bandaid. It would be kind of a dick move to tell him you cheated with someone better, but if he is an asshole when you try to leave him, you can have that ready in your back pocket.

Sorry, my dude. Go get it. Dick Pics: I get this guy being paranoid about sending nudes if he wants to be a professional athlete.

It seems most players and celebs that have gotten in trouble for sending nudes is because they are in a relationship and sending them to someone else.

At least mutually trade nudes so you have dirt on each other. Virgin Guy: A year-old virgin is really not that bad. Everyone has a story.

But also, the majority of women have been sexually assaulted in some way. I think a girl would be very understanding.

Might not be what they signed up for in a hook up, but dating, sure. Hope everyone likes this. Again, just my opinion on a lot of things. Feel free to disagree with me.

Thanks to lurking here for years, 10 months ago I left my wife and life in so many ways has got so much better! Hi all, just wanted to share my story.

I met my wife when I was 23 and the first months was amazing. Crazy attraction to each other, good sex and we used to experiment a bit which was fun and exciting.

Unfortunate Communication in the bedroom and generally when speaking about thoughts and emotions was terrible, and it was really hard to please her sexually with zero feed back.

Eventually it was just sex, hurry up and finish type deal which got less and less attractive to me. I would have left but being invested in a house I lacked the courage.

Then our amazing boy came along and things were good for a couple of years, both infatuated and adoring our amazing boy. We loved him so much and still do today.

I lasted about two years like this and the depression and mental health struggles kicked in. No intimacy, no kissing or cuddles or even hand holding.

I stayed in the relationship so I could see my boy every day and not miss any of his milestones growing up.

I work 4 days on 4 days off so we had plenty of family time and I had plenty of one on one time with him while my wife was back to work.

Plus I needed to find myself again, be happy, be the person I was proud to be. I was sick of being angry all the time. Angry at life. My choices.

I moved out of home and once the financial side of things was negotiated I bought her out of the House and she moved out and I moved back in.

He is 5. After getting back in the dating game via tinder I slowly got my confidence back after years of mental abuse. Being called fat, ugly stupid etc.

I got my mojo back and all my friends noticed, I was becoming the real me again. I met some wonderful people and hardly had a bad date, I was however dating outside of my hometown to reduce the impact on my ex and people I knew smalll town After about 9 months had passed being separated I finally looked on tinder in my home town.

He is finally getting a happy dad, not just a dad that pretends he is happy in front of him. This women is amazing, sexually we are so open and communicate everything and as time goes on thinks are getting freakier and freakier lol but it all done with complete love and respect for each other.

I had no idea how toxic my previous relationship was until finding out after 11 years what a real relationship should be like. No negative tones, no yelling, no arguing just honest healthy communication and respect for one another.

We have even considered doing a chaturbate think just talking about it turns us on or something similar and constantly making private videos out in public I do landscape photography so in isolated places and home videos.

Sex is times daily and is better than I ever imagined it could be. It was a tough couple of years staying when things got pretty bad, but it was all about my son.

Possibly I would have done 12 months sooner if I could do again. Anyway I hope you enjoyed reading. Ask any questions you like.

Thank you for all your posts and comments I read while lurking, it gave me the courage to improve my life and mental health as I was in a few really dark places for a while there.

Thanks to you all for your honest sub. I realized months ago I needed to control myself. I live with my parents, who sadly live in the middle of nowhere in the Midwest.

Growing up with no other guys around me to experiment me, I grew obsessed with porn. It was the only thing that was good in life.

I'd masturbate to Pornhub between moments of gaming, staying up all night and skipping school the next day.

I missed over 40 days in one trimester. I was ugly and hated in real life, kids would call me gay and break my things.

Online RPGs let me pretend I was a hero, and porn let me fantasize and lust over the sexiest men possible. I remember switching between tabs of Runescape and GayTube.

In community college, I didn't play games as much, but my porn usage continued. I loved watching men on Chaturbate perform, I loved scrolling through Tumblr for hours on end.

I had a limit; if it was 1AM, I'd only allow myself 30 more minutes of masturbating. But most of the time, I loved the sensation too much, and drawn in by the allure of more videos, I usually kept going on until AM.

Sometimes I grew soft and couldn't get hard again despite finally finding a video I'd like to cum to. Some nights I accepted defeat and just went to sleep.

Many nights I kept trying to get hard again, though. I'd usually only get hours of sleep. It wasn't until I transferred to the college I'm at now that I actually kissed another guy.

I had lost weight after graduating HS, and I felt new. He was cute and cuddly, and I wanted to hold him forever. We were supposed to be watching Harry Potter in his dorm room, but soon enough we found each other looking at one another.

With my heart racing, we kissed. We giggled. And we kissed again and again and again and again. I left that night with my heart singing. The night I sucked my first dick was horrendous.

Like the night we kissed, we were just supposed to be watching a movie. But long story short, things got heated. As I blew him, he pulled down my pants, and we embraced each other.

I wanted nothing more than to fuck this man. But to my despair, I was soft. I wasn't nervous by any means.

Yet there I was, flaccid. Noticing my condition, he flinched. I remember him saying that he was ugly. We stopped. My heart broke. He was my everything, and my dick convinced him he was ugly.

He was self conscious of the weight he had put on in college, but I thought he was beautiful. I sent him roses, he thanked me, but by the next week we stopped talking altogether.

I miss him. It was during this time I realized I no longer got morning wood. Fearing the worst, I went to my room and tried to get hard.

I couldn't. So I pulled out my phone to find porn. I was finally able to get hard then. I blamed my stress from school for my inability to get an erection.

Months pass, and nothing changed. I'd watch porn every night until the early morning and masturbate. I used Grindr to find hook ups, but I usually just ended up blowing them.

Guys would ask to suck my dick in return, but Id politely decline, much to my frustration. Once while I was at the movies with a date, he tried to reach down my pants while we sat in the back.

He wanted to suck my dick then and there. I would've love nothing more, but I pulled him away. I knew I couldn't get hard.

I eventually tried bottoming. I moaned immensely as I was rimmed for the first time. I was at a sex party and the host, a daddy, ate my ass like it was birthday cake.

This guy next to me that was getting fucked laughed, "Yet another bottom is born. Since that day, I've been fucked by around ten guys. I wish I could say I enjoyed it.

I tried to convince myself I'd eventually like it and one day hooked up with a guy at a nearby college. He fucked me all night, unfortunately.

I remember the gut wrenching pain I was in, despite being well lubed. I bit down on my pillow and let him use me.

The next day I was in misery. I never had my gut felt that way before. I hated being gay. I hated being me.

Eventually, I became interested in NoFap. I didn't like the religious aspect of it, and I didn't like the way people demonized sex workers, but I tried it on my own account.

After weeks of not masturbating to porn, I was finally able to get morning wood again. You won't believe how happy I was. I kept going, trying my best to not masturbate.

Grindr made this difficult- I loved sexting with guys, and it made not jerking off hard if guys were sending me pics of their butts.

Long story short, while on vacation I met a guy at a bar, and I finally fucked a man for the first time. Looking down and seeing my dick inside another man's ass was unbelievable to me.

I didn't last long. After he finished in me, we cuddled and talked the whole night. I flew home a couple hours later. I hooked up with some other guys.

It was surreal to finally get hard around another guy. But like the fool I am, I went back to porn. I thought I was cured. The very next day my morning wood stopped again.

It's now been months since I've been another guy. Last week was the last time I masturbated to porn. Sexy guys get posted on every gay subreddit, and guys on Twitter love to show off everything they're packing.

It's addicting. I'm currently home for winter break, and I've never felt more alone. My parents live in the middle of nowhere; the closet town is a retirement community.

I get the urge to watch porn so badly. I try to occupy my time, but it always lingers in the back of my mind constantly. I've deleted Twitter, and I haven't used Grindr in a week.

I thought I could handle Grindr, but I couldn't. Getting sent pictures of a sex party made me relapse. My goal is to not masturbate to porn for three months.

I feel so hollow and angry at myself. I need to control myself. There's a party in April at a gay bar two hours away. That's my short term goal. I want to actually meet someone without the fear of erectile dysfunction in the back of my mind.

I'm I shouldn't be dealing with this, yet I am. I want to go to that party and have fun. Three months shouldn't be hard, right? I'm struggling.

Last week I relapsed everyday. But I'm holding up now, and it's been almost a week. This is my New Years Resolution, and I want to make it work.

I honestly just wrote this out for myself, but I also wanted to share my story too. I can't be the only one going through this, right?

Porn isn't the Devil. Sex workers are honest workers. I love porn. But my habits aren't healthy. As much as I love porn, I love people more.

The feeling of being with people can't replace the feeling of my hand. I wish I could turn back time and have sex with the guy I kissed for the first time.

I wish I could say we became a couple. But I can't. I can only go forward. Thank you if you read this. What advice do you have for me? Growing up I wasn't allowed to leave my house.

At all. I couldn't go on a walk. I couldn't go in the front yard unless we were doing labor. I couldn't go in the back yard unless we were doing labor.

I started to resent going outside because it felt like I couldn't go outside unless I was getting punished for something. We had a very small house.

My mother didn't work, because we got about to in combined child support and widows benefits monthly, and that's a generous assumption.

The highlight of my month was going to Walmart. My mother cried when her car but miles four years after buying it.

If she worked, she lost her SS benefits. If I worked, she lost her SS benefits.

We can't allow one more day of it. During this unprecedented time and as unpredictable events continue to unfold, please remember that Utah's brave law enforcement force of thousands of men and women as well as it's dedicated military members, their families and their children are not immune to these tragedies or statistics either.

Remember who the real enemy is here. Remember it's easier to hate all day then it is to take action for a minute. Remember to hug a cop instead of hurting one.

There are many ways to be heard without hurting. Get creative. Truth burns brightest in the dark. Be smart, be seen, be heard, stay alive. The lines are open 24 hours a day, every day.

Additional resources about Mormonism's lies: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 submitted by BringATwenty to MoMoNoMo [link] [comments].

Source Previous table Questions Answers How did you type all this? I can touch type. It's an essential skill. Hats off to you. Sure, I use a screenreader.

It's a piece of software that uses synthesised speech to read back what's on the screen. And I navigate using the keyboard rather than a mouse.

Thank you for doing this AMA! Its really fascinating and I'm learning a lot! I noticed in some of your comments you said you enjoy cooking.

In my own experience, cooking and baking are extremely visual activities for example, like knowing when a pancake is ready to be flipped, or properly cleaning and preparing a chicken, or when ground beef has been cooked completely.

I would imagine that you use taste, touch, and smell, to guide you through some aspects of cooking. But even then, the information you could possibly get is still limited.

What do you specifically look for as indicators to help you cook? I'm also interested in what dishes you find the easiest to make and what dishes you find the most difficult.

All of that information you can get non-visually. You can tell ground bief is cooked by the texture when you touch it with a spoon. Other things by the smell.

It's not more limited, it's just an alternative method. I love experimenting with different things, I went through a phase of baking lots of bread.

At the moment I'm into building complex salads and working on really healthy recipes. I cooked a meal for 60 people, that was pretty intense!

A very synthesised American voice. Does colour mean anything to you? Not really, it's an abstract concept. Do you watch or should I say listen to porn?

Nah, it just doesn't do anything for me. What do you do to pass time? Read, watch films and tv, mindlessly browse the internet. There are also audio games, and it's possible to play some regular games if you're blind, but I'm not really a gamer.

How has voice technology like Siri or Google Assistant changed the way you interact with things if you use it at all? If you have it: how has it made life better or worse?

If you don't have it: why not? It's convenient because I can set a timer when cooking hands free! But also, something like an echo dot is designed to be used without vision, so I'm not actually having to deal with an accessibility barrier.

I get exactly the same functionality from it that a sighted person does, and that is an important consideration. Not so much now.

At first my concern was in relation to grocery delivery services. I didn't want to go to the supermarket because many places were refusing to provide assistance, but also everyone was using delivery services, so slots weren't easily accessible for those of us who really needed them.

It's calmed down quite a bit now though. Another issue relates to accessible information. A lot of the stats are shown as images, with no explanation.

Which means we're shut out from accessing what could be very crucial info. Do you experience any visuals in your mind? For example, like when you dream?

I don't. I've never been able to see so this is impossible for me. Based on your life so far and what you have learned from others what is your favorite color?

I don't have one. I usually say purple just because people demand an answer and it's easier to give them one. Do you like puppies?

What is it like to move around. Is it hard and do you feel out a room as you walk through it? It's not hard because I've always been blind so know how to navigate as a blind person.

When outside I travel using a white cane, this is also true if I'm inside buildings like shops etc. But if I'm at my house or friends houses I just walk around and learn where things are.

How can sighted people be better allies to blind people? Because what they're saying is that actually, they don't expect blind people to be doing very well at all, so the fact that I'm a moderately functional adult who doesn't get enough sleep, drinks too much coffee and is constantly stressed is a very very good thing.

When I'm actually very typical for someone in their mid 20's. Just treat blind people like people, and support us with fighting for accessibility and equal rights.

That really is the best way to be an ally. I'm not sure honestly. I've always been blind, so it's normal to me.

I do know people who lost their vision who have really happy, secure lives. Is sex more intense for you?

And do you have sex with other blind people, if not how does it feel when you cant see the other person but he can see you naked? It honestly depends who I'm having sex with.

I don't really worry if they can see me and I can't. I've had good and bad experiences, with both blind nad sighted people. Do you listen to old radio plays?

I had a period of time prior to a cataract surgery where my photosensitivity was so intense I mostly lived in total darkness, and these were my favourite forms of free entertainment.

I am old enough that I listened to them on radio, although most were rebroadcasts. Also, do you usually wear any kind of sunglasses or such?

If so, for your own benefit, or to make people feel more comfortable? I listened to a lot of plays in the early s when I was a kid because only a fraction of books were published in braille.

Audio books were expensive and also only a few books became audio. These days I listen to less of them because with things like Kindle I can read almost anything, but they were a wonderful and necessary part of my childhood that I am very thankful I was able to experience.

I have light perception so I wear sunglasses when it's really bright, but not for the comfort of others. I think if my eyes make people uncomfortable it's something they should address within themselves.

Is the halo effect a noticeable phenomenon for you as an arguably perfectly objective observer of sighted people?

Have you ever been in a situation and just known that someone is physically attractive based on being inexplicably treated more favourably by others than could be reasonably expected?

How do you feel about this in general? I think so. I definitely noticed this in school. My perception is that people gravitate towards someone who is deemed to be physically attractive, but I don't know if that is true.

Have you ever fired a firearm or played with a sword? I haven't. I considered going to a shooting range when I lived in the US but never did.

When browsing the web -- do ads really screw with your screen reader? Do you use an adblocker? They do, and yes I do. If you could tell the world one thing what would it be?

About blindness? Treat me like any other adult. Not about blindness. Use your vote. What's your favorite place to get a burrito? I live in England where burritos are sadly lacking, but now I really want one.

Would you consider trying psychedelics and reporting back your experiences? I've tried them before. Really weird, honestly. Mostly auditory but also some physical sensations.

Do you understand racism? Also what's your favorite song? By understand, I think it's wrong, but I understand it as a concept. RAcism isn't really about being able to see colour, it's associating a race with a positive or negative set of attributes.

Blind people are just as capable of being racist. In terms of songs I don't really have a favourite, I've been listening to I and love and you by the Avett Brothers a lot recently.

I was always wondering about this one. There are days when I "overlisten" to music or sounds get pounded and louder until I can't stand it and I need to shut it out.

I would go several days without music or wear noise cancelling headphones to get myself disconnected. It sometimes happens with my vision, where it's just too much information and my brain needs a break.

So I'm wondering what's it like in your case, if you've ever experienced something like that? Where there's too much sensory information and you need to shut it out but you need it to get around?

And another extremely random one. I work and architecture and was trying to figure out how someone would go about designing a house while blind.

Besides textures, how would you try and build a house for yourself if you could? That sounds like sensory processing disorder, which I have experienced aspects of yes.

I'm not sure, definitely lots of outside space and a big kitchen, but those are because of my love of being outside and also of cooking, more than blindness!

So this might sound weird, but my friends have a year old daughter who is blind. What kind of playing made you happiest as a kid?

Climbing, playing football, running about. Just normal kid stuff. To us, travel is a very visual experience, what is it to you?

How do you experience the travel experience itself? Travelling to me is experiencing all aspects of the culture. It doesn't have to be visual.

You can meet people, go to a city, go to a park, go hiking. These are all part of it. We see your inability to see as an impairment or disability out of our ignorance, what do you think seeing people lack?

What is our disability? I think we have to be careful and not view something like a lack of understanding as a disability. I am blind, and blindness is my impairment.

But I'm disabled because the world around me isn't accessible. In terms of the countries they all had positives and negatives.

Colombia was definitely a new experience, but it was also my favourite place to live. What is imagination for you? That's difficult to answer.

If you mean how do I imagine, through my other senses. But as to what it is, I'm not sure. It seems to be an essential part of who we are as humans.

What do you see in today's society that you dislike? I'm not sure this is just a problem with today's society, but ignorance and denial regarding the reality of the world we live in.

My sons age 10 are really good friends with a boy who has been blind since birth. My sons have gone to his house a few times and have had a lot of fun.

I would like for him to come here, but it makes me nervous. I worry that he'll get bored or be uncomfortable.

As a child, what were some of your favorite experiences with sighted friends and their family? Being welcomed in to everyday activities.

My best experiences were with people who didn't worry, who let me run around and play, who let me climb and mess about with my friends.

But who also set boundaries, who told me to be quiet or to stop running, like they would any other child. Basically the best thing you can do is welcome him and treat him like any other kid.

They all were able to retain vision though 2 had to have an eye enucleated. Later in those same 2 passed away from associated secondary cancers in the 20s and 30s bc they received radiation to stop the tumours inherited is bilateral.

I am pregnant with a baby girl who inherited the genetic mutation and at 36 weeks will deliver so they can monitor and treat the tumours.

Being induced early allows the critical growth stage of 36 to 42 weeks gestation to be monitored and treated. I would. I will pass the LCA gene on to any child I have, but my partner would have to be a carrier for us to have a blind child.

Even if my child is blind I'd know how to raise them. I could teach them to read, to travel, to do anything they wanted to. I understand it's more complex with something like RB, but I think you have to do whatever feels right for you.

Do you play any instruments? If so, which instrument s? I used to play the clarinet but haven't in years.

I was never very good at music. If there was an option for surgery that granted you sight, would you consider it?

I wouldn't, it doesn't interest me. What are some UI changes reddit could make to improve accessibility for the blind? What are some things other sites often do which make them difficult for you to read and navigate?

Reddit is honestly a bit of a clusterfuck. It's accessible enough, but sometimes the focus of my screenreader jumps around.

There also aren't many headings used, which is the primary way screenreaders navigate online content, so it's a pain to find the section of the page that you want.

In terms of other sites a lack of alt text is a huge problem. We convey so much information through images, but if it isn't tagged correctly a blind person misses all of it.

What would be the best way to interact with a blind person? Like let's say you went inside a new building and people there knew you were blind would you be offended if they offered to help you find your way?

Or tell you how many steps there are or watch out for things that may be in your way? Would that come off as overbearing?

It's annoying when people constantly tell me, because it's actually distracting. If someone offers that's fine, so long as they listen when I say no.

Which genders are you attracted to? When did you realize you were attracted to them and what was it about them Both, though men more than women.

I'm not sure, I guess I was a pre-teen and I started to have crushes on people. All the time. You just get used to it. Also, we don't actually count steps, we may have good spacial awareness and can tell approximately how much distance we've travelled, but step counting is a bit of a myth.

If she's in the United States I really recommend that she reaches out to the National Federation of the Blind to find out about their training centers.

The Colorado Center for the Blind made a huge difference to my life. Why did the moderators remove this?

Because I can't hold up a sign with my username Unless they want it in braille? Maybe this is question is better suited to those who raised you, but do you know if there was anything atypical about your language development?

I'm very interested in this too. I had fairly advanced language development, which I know through speaking with my parents and reading school and medical reports.

Many congenitally blind children do have atypical language development though. What parenting tips would you suggest to someone who has a young child who is blind or losing sight?

Have high expectations, don't expect less of them because they are blind. Expect them to do chores around the house, to work hard in school and to be polite.

They can and should do these things. I occasionally see the same blind man on the sidewalk navigating the DC metro and city streets.

I believe he lives around my work. Sometimes he looks completely lost. I have on a few occasions guided him to the correct train or set of stairs.

He just says thank you and continues on. Is there anything else I could do to help him or be a good samaritan to other blind folks in the city?

Asking is honestly the best thing. Either the blind person will need assistance or they won't. It's worse to assume that someone does when they might not, so I feel that by asking you're already doing the right thing.

So I know I am very late to the AMA party here, but hopefully you still are able to answer this for me. What are some good things to know as a cop so that I can better interact with the blind?

Especially, of course, victims who need to report crimes. But either witnesses who may have info or even perpetrators. I've read almost this entire thread and with some of your answers to other questions, I can only imagine how blind people may be treated by uninformed or wilfully ignorant officers.

This is such an important question, thank you for asking. Firstly, the biggest thing is to view them as credible.

Obviously a blind person is capable of lying, but they aren't automatically less credible just because they can't give you a visual account of what has happened.

This is a particularly pervasive problem in cases that involve sexual assault. Also, if you're approaching a blind person in the street because there's a situation, it's good to identify yourself as an officer.

I have no way of knowing if the person is a random stranger, who I might brush off, or a police officer unless they tell you. Some blind people will want to be given your badge, to see if you have one, or take your ID number.

Try not to be upset or angry, it isn't that we don't believe you, just again that we can't visually verify what you're saying.

This is an interesting AMA. Thanks for doing this. I am not familiar with what caused your blindness, so let's assume we are able to bypass it It's a completely safe surgery, but the implant is permanent.

Would you do it? No, I wouldn't. My brain has adapted to my blindness, and I feel like getting vision would be really disruptive and uncomfortable.

As a parent it would cause me a lot of pain to think about my child being blind. Have you ever discussed how your parents felt with them?

Yes, if it does upset them, they don't show it which is so, so important. I would have hated growing up, knowing my parents wished I was someone else.

Your parents would never wish you to be someone else, they world just want take away anything that might cause you pain.

It is good to hear you had the support and love you needed. Absolutely, but you also owe it to your child to keep some of those feelings from them.

It's really damaging to know that people around you would change a fundamental part of who you are. Absolutely a parent should seek support when they have these feelings, but it should never be made obvious to the child.

Are you religious? Has anyone prayed for you to see? If someone offered would you be open to it? If yes, do you think other blind people would?

I'm not, if people are going to pray, I'd rather they pray I actually have a happy and meaningful life. I have no interest in seeing, some blind people do and that's totally their right.

When you masturbate what do you mentally picture? If I'm in a relationship at the time I'll often think about that person and things they've said or done.

Do you depend on someone else or did you figure out on how to do normal every day activities that people take for granted on your own? I can do pretty much anything alone.

I can cook, clean, do my laundry, travel to and from work etc. The only thing I can't do is drive, so I'll take busses and trains or use Uber sometimes.

This could have already been asked, there's so much knowledge we all want to glean from you. Have you ever thought about or done a race, running, biking, swimming, or anything where you have a guide?

There's some great races where you can feel the wind on your face and the sound of the trees around you. I guess it doesn't have to be a race.

Just how much have you been able to feel the wind and the trees. Thank you for answering all of our questions.

My respect on one, putting yourself out there and answering personal questions, and also being a complete boss on your answers. Sure, thanks for reading.

I love more extreme sports, so I've been skydiving and paragliding for example. I'd love to do more things like that. I also really enjoy skiing and tandem cycling.

I hope I don't sound rude, but how do you or blind people in general know where to go especially in a big city? Is it difficult to find shops and run errands without getting lost?

Bonus question: How do service dogs know where you want to go? Like if you wanted to go to a specific restaurant for example, how does a service dog aid in getting you there?

I know by exploring, by asking questions, by learning about the layout of the city. And service dogs receive instruction from the handler. The dog doesn't actually know where it's going, it is the handlers job to give it commands like find left, or find right.

What do you enjoy about traveling? But also foods a big one. I imagine being blind, food would be the main reason. Also has anyone tried using sign language to communicate with you?

I honestly worry about that misunderstanding alot Haha maybe they have but I just didn't see them. I have been asked if I know it though!

And the food, meeting people, visiting different places like museums and parks, the whole aspect of immersing yourself in another culture. Is the experience of sight something you wish deeply you could do?

It definitely feels overwhelming to the point where I wouldn't take a cure if it was offered to me. While living in the US, did you find it a relatively accessible country or no?

Super informational. Makes me want to sign up as a volunteer for Be My Eyes : Thank you, I'm so glad that you are enjoying them.

If you have any video topic requests, feel free to leave a comment on one of my videos as I may not see it in this thread as it's so big.

It was fairly accessible, as with most places, the attitudes of others were the biggest barrier I faced. People not believing I could do something, rather than be actually not being able to do it.

Do you still have Isla the guide dog? If so, was she already trained? What signals do they give to let you know there is steps, a road? She retired last year, but she's living a very happy life with some friends of mine.

She was trained when I got her, they are trained to stop at roads and steps. This rivets me. My mom went blind on and off through her life.

Glaucoma and surgeries. She only sometimes had sight in one because she lost the other to cataracts. I was her eyes. I knew how to help her, somehow.

Have you ever had a person you let be your eyes? To a point, sometimes I'll ask people for visual information.

But I wouldn't want to create a relationship where it's expected, I think it can result in some uncomfortable power dynamics.

I'd rather get that info from a paid service like Aira. This is just my personal preference. How would you rate reddit's accessiblity?

Kind of a pain, honestly. Was learning Braille hard? Is Braille the same in other countries outside of the UK? It wasn't because I was very young, so it was just like a sighted child learning print.

This doesn't have an easy answer. Broadly it's the same. The letters A to Z are the same in all languages that use the Latin alphabet, much like they are in print.

However, most languages have what is known as contracted, or grade 2, braille. So one character might represent several letters. In English, we have such a character for er, or the, or wh.

Because these are common letter combinations. Grade 2 in French will be different, as will grade 2 in German. English speaking countries have also had some variation when it comes to more advanced presentation rules, and certainly braille mathematics.

That is why in the early s Unified English Braille was created. With increases in electronic braille production, it was viewed as important to create a unified code, so that electronic braille could easily be shared between English speaking countries, and so there wouldn't be these small variations.

You mentioned you love books. You also mentioned that books that are meant to be realistic, but have poor depictions of blind characters frustrate you.

I honestly thought it was a bit ridiculous, but not the worst I've read. Have you ever tried to draw anything from your imagination and if so, what did you draw?

Could you visualise the drawing after you drew it based on the shapes? I'm horrible at drawing. I've tried on paper where the lines then are raised, but I'm just not coordinated enough.

I struggle to even draw a circle unless I can draw around something. Are there any questions you get that you are tired of or are just like what the hell?

Also what's a question that you never have been asked but want to answer? Honestly how I use a computer.

It's exhausting that most people still don't know this. And not really, I do find the deeper, more thoughtful questions interesting though.

Are heights or flying scary at all to you? I actually don't like heights, so I've done things like skydiving and paragliding because I need to get over myself.

Do you make facial expressions? I can't tell you how I know them, I just do. Do you think you compare yourself to people less than those of us who are sighted?

So much of the standard women hold themselves to seems visual to me. Weight, beauty, aging, fashion I imagine you not to be bombarded with these standards, advertisements, social media visuals.

Do you feel less pressure on these things than you imagine we do? I still feel a huge amount of pressure, compounded by not being able to compare myself.

I have to ask people about my own appearance, which then makes me worry that they aren't completely truthful. Even if they are, it's their perception.

I'll never have my own true perception of myself, because it's always filtered through information I'm given by others. Is there an equivalent of line graphs and charts that blind people can use?

For example did you understand the concept of exponential growth at the start of the Covid crisis? You can plot these using tactile graph papers.

There are audio graphs, which can give an overview of the information. Do you own a printer, 2d or 3d. Can you read print text if its embossed?

I can sort of read print if it's embossed, but often I forget the shapes of the letters and have to be reminded. I don't currently own a printer, I usually go to a library if I need a document printing.

It's known as nystagmus. It can exist as a condition on its own, but often it goes hand in hand with other eye diseases, particularly forms of congenital blindness.

Essentially I have no control over the muscles in my eyes so these are involuntary movements. To piggyback off the person asking about software accessibility - do you ever spend time with software on a non-personal device - like a public kiosk?

Are you able to use the product if there is no headphone jack? If it has audio output yes. But I would only use something like an ATM if it had a headphone jack so that I could access the information in a confidential manner.

What software do you use, especially for email? My mother is blind, stubborn, and cantankerous, always has been even before blindness. She uses an ancient version of JAWS and refuses to update, and I'd love to know what options are out there.

Jaws is good but she'd be better off using the latest version with win Are you often browsing on reddit? And if so, what subreddits do you visit?

You don't have to list any of them if they are too private Dogs, blind and the not the onion are some of my favourites. Also just browsing random things.

Reddit is kind of a pain in terms of accessibility, so I honestly go elsewhere for chat, which is a shame because I like the people here.

I'm actually curious about how Blind People can use computers and how you can read our questions. I'm guessing a special machine is involved, but how does it work?

I use a screenreader, a piece of software that uses synthesised speech to read out what's on the screen. I also touch type and navigate using a keyboard instead of the mouse.

Have you ever thought deeply that being blind was going to affect all your life and had a breakdown or were really depressed? There have been times.

Mostly when a certain aspect of my life isn't going well, so it's easy to attribute it all to blindness. When really there are usually many factors at play.

It is an interesting app I found for helping with tasks. I thought it would be great to help out a blind or visually impaired person.

I have tried it, it can be really useful in certain situations. How was your experience in Colombia? For how long did you live there?

I loved it, I lived there for a year and it was the best year of my life. I loved everything about Colombian culture and the friends I made there.

Also, is your username because of In the Heights, or just a coincidence? Do you ever feel self conscious about what you look like to others?

I do, I'm still under the same pressure other people are to look a certain way. I also feel more pressure because if I don't look good, maybe people will attribute that to my blindness and just assume I don't know how.

Honestly most things, because people have such low expectations of blind people. Travel, get a job, move away from home, just have a normal adult life.

Looks like the mods want proof. How do you plan to do this blind? I'm not sure how to submit proof to them? I have all my documentation if they want it!

Do you ever listen to audiobooks? I do, maybe the His Dark Materials trilogy. I love so many books though. How do audiobooks and films with audio description compare to each other, is there one your prefer?

I prefer books but I think that's personality, more than blindness. My sighted sister also prefers books to tv. We both grew up reading a lot as children.

How do you perceive colours when you haven't seen them? When someone says "I have a red car", what do you imagine? I don't, I just accept it as a fact and file it away.

Do you get motion sickness? On a roller coaster, a car, a boat or a plane? Or any other way of travel? I don't personally. Is there anything that we i.

I know you are certainly neither stupid nor incapable, but just wondering what I can do to be more considerate perhaps.

Mostly just asking rather than assuming someone needs help, then listening to the answer that is given. Being grabbed is the worst.

Hi, I am the father of a 5-month old who was also just diagnosed with LCA. What are some of the things that you wish your parents would have done differently as they were raising you?

Hi, it's so great to meet other LCA families. I really wish they'd encouraged me to use a cane far more than they did. Developing those skills at a young age is really critical and makes for a much easier transition into adult life.

If you'd like to reach out feel free to do so, I've included a lot of links in my original post and I'm happy to answer more questions, but as this thread is huge I might miss them here.

Hi CatchTheseWords, Hope your day finds you well. Do you find or have others commented your senses are better than the sighted?

And if so I'd love to say it was as easy as just deciding to be a superhero! My other senses aren't any better, I just pay attention to them more.

When you were younger, did other children ever bully you for being blind or take advantage of your blindness to bully you more easily?

This happened mostly when I was in primary school. It's great that you are self-reliant. But I cannot resist assuming there have been people in your life who must have given you the maximum amount of information about the world around you that couldn't have perceived unless you saw it yourself or unless somebody explained it to you.

Who are these people and how did they help you understand the world? Honestly mostly it was books. I learnt a lot about body language, or how things look, by reading about them.

I'm also very lucky to have lots of people in my life who will answer questions if I ask them. My parents for example have always been very open with information.

And my orientation and mobility teachers who taught me to use a cane, and who encouraged me to explore my environment.

How's the quality on audio description for visual media? Do you feel you're getting a good representation of what's happening on screen?

Overall I feel the quality is high, and I usually get the information I need. Having said that, I've no way of knowing if details are left out, because I wouldn't know they were there unless someone told me.

I am a developer who create apps for use. How is modern technology assisting with additional needs for you? Is there additional improvements you see that could help bring internet within your reach easier?

Really complying with existing accessibility guidelines is the biggest thing, and conducting accessibility testing.

Technology can remove so many barriers, but if it isn't designed to function with assistive technology it can create barriers as well. What comes to mind when you think of racism?

White conservative assholes. Definitely say you have it, otherwise we're likely to put our hand out for it and find it's not there.

It's totally fine to hold the door, equally, if you're in a rush don't feel guilty for not holding it.

Navigation without a cane, unless in an environment like someone's house, is really dangerous. It's not a mark of success or achievement to do that, because with echo location you can still miss a hole in the ground and fall in it.

But yeah, I can echo locate, though mostly I do it passively. So for example by tapping my cane I can use that echo to gain certain information about my environment.

Do you drink alcohol? Usually just the usual embarrassment most people experience. Who was your best teacher? There were so so many. Honestly I was lucky to have wonderful teachers who all taught me so many things, not just about their particular subject, but life in general.

What software and browser-extensions are you using right now to do this AMA? What is your favorite piece of tech. Firefox, and NVDA is the screenreader.

I just use a regular PC and iPhone. How do you want new people, such as a coworker to ask about your blindness?

Just be really open about it. I'd rather someone was direct than was clearly uncomfortable and didn't want to ask. Equally, remember that the person is more than just their blindness, so don't centre it in every conversation.

What does the Cosmos mean to you? Like how do you imagine the Cosmos outside of our own planet? Ask the stars, galaxies and stuff? Do these interest you?

It's very, very interesting to me. My greatest disappointment is knowing that I will probably never travel into space and experience it for myself.

Being a sighted person, I sometimes think that sight is too easy to rely on at the expense of other senses. It is so easy to get wrapped up in thoughts and overly rely on sight to function, in a lazy way.

Sometimes it's difficult to live in the present moment. When I was 25 a friend would say that I was missing out on life, that I should stop and smell the roses more.

I wonder if you struggle with living in the moment? I'm so concerned with my goals I often forget that there is a here and now.

I think this is the down side to being so driven. How are you going to know what I've asked in this question? The same way I wrote my original post Also, what do you think upvote buttons look like?

Through a combination of a screenreader, a piece of software that allows blind people to access the computer through synthesised speech output of content on the screen, and touch typing.

And I'm not sure, maybe a thumbs up? Also, would you mind sharing an embarrassing story? This is my favorite AMA ever. Thank you for doing this!

Hmm, honestly my life is a constant string of embarrassing moments, some blind related, some not. I still feel shame when I remember calling a primary school teacher of mine Grandma when I was like 5.

It just happened in the moment. Not like I actually thought she was my grandma. Could you briefly let us know what it takes for you to record videos and post them to your YouTube channel?

At the moment I'm using a USB webcam to record my videos. I'd have to write a long post, or make a video to really show the process.

There are lots of small things I have to do. For the last couple years I've been struggling to understand myself and come to terms with my emotions and feelings.

Im sure to really answer these questions i should see a therapist, but sharing my emotions with others is nearly impossible for me to do one-on-one so I'm writing this nonsense in the hopes that it helps me.

For most of 23 years, I have not liked myself. Feel free to disagree with me. Thanks to lurking here for years, 10 months ago I left my wife and life in so many ways has got so much better!

Hi all, just wanted to share my story. I met my wife when I was 23 and the first months was amazing. Crazy attraction to each other, good sex and we used to experiment a bit which was fun and exciting.

Unfortunate Communication in the bedroom and generally when speaking about thoughts and emotions was terrible, and it was really hard to please her sexually with zero feed back.

Eventually it was just sex, hurry up and finish type deal which got less and less attractive to me. I would have left but being invested in a house I lacked the courage.

Then our amazing boy came along and things were good for a couple of years, both infatuated and adoring our amazing boy. We loved him so much and still do today.

I lasted about two years like this and the depression and mental health struggles kicked in. No intimacy, no kissing or cuddles or even hand holding.

I stayed in the relationship so I could see my boy every day and not miss any of his milestones growing up. I work 4 days on 4 days off so we had plenty of family time and I had plenty of one on one time with him while my wife was back to work.

Plus I needed to find myself again, be happy, be the person I was proud to be. I was sick of being angry all the time.

Angry at life. My choices. I moved out of home and once the financial side of things was negotiated I bought her out of the House and she moved out and I moved back in.

He is 5. After getting back in the dating game via tinder I slowly got my confidence back after years of mental abuse.

Being called fat, ugly stupid etc. I got my mojo back and all my friends noticed, I was becoming the real me again. I met some wonderful people and hardly had a bad date, I was however dating outside of my hometown to reduce the impact on my ex and people I knew smalll town After about 9 months had passed being separated I finally looked on tinder in my home town.

He is finally getting a happy dad, not just a dad that pretends he is happy in front of him. This women is amazing, sexually we are so open and communicate everything and as time goes on thinks are getting freakier and freakier lol but it all done with complete love and respect for each other.

I had no idea how toxic my previous relationship was until finding out after 11 years what a real relationship should be like. No negative tones, no yelling, no arguing just honest healthy communication and respect for one another.

We have even considered doing a chaturbate think just talking about it turns us on or something similar and constantly making private videos out in public I do landscape photography so in isolated places and home videos.

Sex is times daily and is better than I ever imagined it could be. It was a tough couple of years staying when things got pretty bad, but it was all about my son.

Possibly I would have done 12 months sooner if I could do again. Anyway I hope you enjoyed reading. Ask any questions you like.

Thank you for all your posts and comments I read while lurking, it gave me the courage to improve my life and mental health as I was in a few really dark places for a while there.

Thanks to you all for your honest sub. I realized months ago I needed to control myself. I live with my parents, who sadly live in the middle of nowhere in the Midwest.

Growing up with no other guys around me to experiment me, I grew obsessed with porn. It was the only thing that was good in life.

I'd masturbate to Pornhub between moments of gaming, staying up all night and skipping school the next day.

I missed over 40 days in one trimester. I was ugly and hated in real life, kids would call me gay and break my things. Online RPGs let me pretend I was a hero, and porn let me fantasize and lust over the sexiest men possible.

I remember switching between tabs of Runescape and GayTube. In community college, I didn't play games as much, but my porn usage continued.

I loved watching men on Chaturbate perform, I loved scrolling through Tumblr for hours on end. I had a limit; if it was 1AM, I'd only allow myself 30 more minutes of masturbating.

But most of the time, I loved the sensation too much, and drawn in by the allure of more videos, I usually kept going on until AM.

Sometimes I grew soft and couldn't get hard again despite finally finding a video I'd like to cum to. Some nights I accepted defeat and just went to sleep.

Many nights I kept trying to get hard again, though. I'd usually only get hours of sleep. It wasn't until I transferred to the college I'm at now that I actually kissed another guy.

I had lost weight after graduating HS, and I felt new. He was cute and cuddly, and I wanted to hold him forever. We were supposed to be watching Harry Potter in his dorm room, but soon enough we found each other looking at one another.

With my heart racing, we kissed. We giggled. And we kissed again and again and again and again. I left that night with my heart singing.

The night I sucked my first dick was horrendous. Like the night we kissed, we were just supposed to be watching a movie.

But long story short, things got heated. As I blew him, he pulled down my pants, and we embraced each other. I wanted nothing more than to fuck this man.

But to my despair, I was soft. I wasn't nervous by any means. Yet there I was, flaccid. Noticing my condition, he flinched. I remember him saying that he was ugly.

We stopped. My heart broke. He was my everything, and my dick convinced him he was ugly. He was self conscious of the weight he had put on in college, but I thought he was beautiful.

I sent him roses, he thanked me, but by the next week we stopped talking altogether. I miss him. It was during this time I realized I no longer got morning wood.

Fearing the worst, I went to my room and tried to get hard. I couldn't. So I pulled out my phone to find porn.

I was finally able to get hard then. I blamed my stress from school for my inability to get an erection.

Months pass, and nothing changed. I'd watch porn every night until the early morning and masturbate.

I used Grindr to find hook ups, but I usually just ended up blowing them. Guys would ask to suck my dick in return, but Id politely decline, much to my frustration.

Once while I was at the movies with a date, he tried to reach down my pants while we sat in the back.

He wanted to suck my dick then and there. I would've love nothing more, but I pulled him away. I knew I couldn't get hard.

I eventually tried bottoming. I moaned immensely as I was rimmed for the first time. I was at a sex party and the host, a daddy, ate my ass like it was birthday cake.

This guy next to me that was getting fucked laughed, "Yet another bottom is born. Since that day, I've been fucked by around ten guys.

I wish I could say I enjoyed it. I tried to convince myself I'd eventually like it and one day hooked up with a guy at a nearby college.

He fucked me all night, unfortunately. I remember the gut wrenching pain I was in, despite being well lubed. I bit down on my pillow and let him use me.

The next day I was in misery. I never had my gut felt that way before. I hated being gay. I hated being me.

Eventually, I became interested in NoFap. I didn't like the religious aspect of it, and I didn't like the way people demonized sex workers, but I tried it on my own account.

After weeks of not masturbating to porn, I was finally able to get morning wood again. You won't believe how happy I was.

I kept going, trying my best to not masturbate. Grindr made this difficult- I loved sexting with guys, and it made not jerking off hard if guys were sending me pics of their butts.

Long story short, while on vacation I met a guy at a bar, and I finally fucked a man for the first time. Looking down and seeing my dick inside another man's ass was unbelievable to me.

I didn't last long. After he finished in me, we cuddled and talked the whole night. I flew home a couple hours later.

I hooked up with some other guys. It was surreal to finally get hard around another guy. But like the fool I am, I went back to porn.

I thought I was cured. The very next day my morning wood stopped again. It's now been months since I've been another guy. Last week was the last time I masturbated to porn.

Sexy guys get posted on every gay subreddit, and guys on Twitter love to show off everything they're packing. It's addicting.

I'm currently home for winter break, and I've never felt more alone. My parents live in the middle of nowhere; the closet town is a retirement community.

I get the urge to watch porn so badly. I try to occupy my time, but it always lingers in the back of my mind constantly. I've deleted Twitter, and I haven't used Grindr in a week.

I thought I could handle Grindr, but I couldn't. Getting sent pictures of a sex party made me relapse. My goal is to not masturbate to porn for three months.

I feel so hollow and angry at myself. I need to control myself. There's a party in April at a gay bar two hours away. That's my short term goal.

I want to actually meet someone without the fear of erectile dysfunction in the back of my mind. I'm I shouldn't be dealing with this, yet I am.

I want to go to that party and have fun. Three months shouldn't be hard, right? I'm struggling. Last week I relapsed everyday.

But I'm holding up now, and it's been almost a week. This is my New Years Resolution, and I want to make it work. I honestly just wrote this out for myself, but I also wanted to share my story too.

I can't be the only one going through this, right? Porn isn't the Devil. Sex workers are honest workers. I love porn. But my habits aren't healthy.

As much as I love porn, I love people more. The feeling of being with people can't replace the feeling of my hand. I wish I could turn back time and have sex with the guy I kissed for the first time.

I wish I could say we became a couple. But I can't. I can only go forward. Thank you if you read this. What advice do you have for me?

Growing up I wasn't allowed to leave my house. At all. I couldn't go on a walk. I couldn't go in the front yard unless we were doing labor. I couldn't go in the back yard unless we were doing labor.

I started to resent going outside because it felt like I couldn't go outside unless I was getting punished for something.

We had a very small house. My mother didn't work, because we got about to in combined child support and widows benefits monthly, and that's a generous assumption.

The highlight of my month was going to Walmart. My mother cried when her car but miles four years after buying it. If she worked, she lost her SS benefits.

If I worked, she lost her SS benefits. Never mind the fact that we could be making more than SS gave us She was the only person I had contact with.

My disorder is not because of her though. When I was a baby, my father did something that shattered me. He was very abusive to both me and my mother.

Growing up he was used as a parable; that's what abuse looks like. We are free from abuse. When I was four or five my brother traumatized me.

When I was eight, my brother's son who was two years younger than me.. While I dealt with all this, I didn't even have time to understand that my mother was a little messed up.

When my life went messy, it was always someone else's fault- not my mother. It was my cousin's fault in fourth grade for taking advantage of us, not my mother's fault for letting him live with us as long as she did, in fifth grade it wasn't my mother's fault for bringing men home and having sex with them in front of me.

It was them for taking advantage of her. When I'm in sixth grade, I'm gaining a little more autonomy and she's got nobody else to blame her problems on because everybody has already been pushed away.

She's constantly flipping between disowning my brothers and deciding which of them is her favorite. She's "tolerating" contact with her mother who was genuinely abusive to her.

I acknowledge the cycle there. There isn't anything I can do about it though. After a while I start to realize that she's the problem.

She develops a drinking habit, makes my life hell and exacerbates my trauma for roughly five years. I remember very little of it.

Because I still can't leave the house and the only friends I've been allowed to make are now feuding their family with mine because of how crazy my mom is, I turn to the internet.

She hated it. She hated it so much. She bought me a computer because she loved me and knew I loved them- she put me on a computer age 2 to teach me touch typing and give me a leg up in the developing tech world.

It was smart. I had a 12 grade reading level in grade 2. What she wasn't expecting was for the internet to give me something she couldn't control.

Friendship I didn't have to call or visit. I could type. The one time I went to someone's house first and last time I ever visited that friend my mom told me that it was unacceptable for me to have a password on my computer.

She told me my band teacher with whom she has like, no reason to contact told her my secretive behavior was abusive to her and told her how to wipe my computer.

This whole exchange happened via text. I was forced to just accept it and play COD. Years of poetry, digital art, screenshots, writing, fiction, pictures, journaling, passwords, gone.

I haven't quite had the same amount of commitment to writing since. I've been too disenchanted. Once I had a friend over first and last time that friend, a different friend from the previous friend and my mother confiscated my phone and kicked both of us out because we were 'rude little shits' for flinching as she waved sharp kitchenware drunkenly in our faces.

I was While I'm on that, she would kick me out so much. She'd help me pack everything I needed to survive homelessness. She would kick me out and call the police to report me missing, though I never really went further than the end of the neighborhood because where else am I supposed to go?

I was basically held hostage. The only reason I could give someone directions to the school is because I got to ride a bus and the school was basically in my back yard.

If my mom ever had to make that grueling drive to the school by the way I would be doing terrible things to her, forcing her to leave the house, even if I was vomiting and crying because I didn't want to go home to her but had been dismissed and sent home.

She would have me sit on the front steps and call with the windows open unbeknownst to me that she wasn't actually calling anyone to describe my horrible terrible behavior and that she couldn't handle me anymore, to come pick me up.

I sat there on that step looking through the neighbor's yard where she told me to stare watching for that cop car for hours.

I do, maybe the His Dark Materials trilogy. He must have asked a question Thom completely missed. Who Oma spritzt ab a fuck about work? Long story short, while on vacation I met a guy Girls cuming on girls a bar, and I finally fucked a man for the first time. Boli blog example did you understand the Tipofmytongue reddit of exponential growth at the start of the Covid crisis? It wanted him. This is just a short list of the countless Bell porn that happen every year. The grandest of plans was to put on my Halloween costume the prettiest thing I owned and go drown in a lake.

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